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Girls, Run Your Own Worlds
(Guys, Do This Too For Your Own Sake)
This ex-boyfriend of mine has been pressing on my mind a lot lately. Mostly because I genuinely just want my stuff back and literally have no way of contacting him. Not the point really, but it has been hanging over my head since last December. I have also been thinking about what I put up with for almost 2 and a half years and I am infuriated with myself because of it.
Let me first begin by saying to every single person out there that you, yes YOU, do NOT deserve to be treated with anything other than the utmost respect, kindness, and decency that a person can offer. I do not care about your past, what you have done, and what you are not willing to tell your grandma out of shame and embarrassment. You are a human being and are allowed to do whatever you want, whenever you want. No other person in this world can stop you, regardless of anything! NEVER FORGET THIS! Especially when you are in a relationship..
Yes, I lost myself and I was not true to myself in my last relationship that consumed most of my high school life and tore up the beautiful relationships I had with my dear parents. I lost many friends very dear to me and did not even think twice about it during the time. He completely destroyed my very self toward the end of our relationship and I let him. I let another human being dictate practically every aspect of my life.
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Our relationship was extremely toxic. Looking back on it, these are some significant warning signs to be aware of in a relationship:
- CONTROLLING
- MANIPULATIVE
- JEALOUS
- AUTHORITATIVE
- OBSESSIVE
- POSSESSIVE
- VERBALLY ABUSIVE
I'm divulging a lot of my past because I am incredibly passionate about prevention and catching the red flags early -- before it hurts and the feelings get too deep, like they did for me. Please take care of yourself first and foremost. Of course I cared for my ex-boyfriend and I will always care for him though. Some aspects of our relationship were wonderful and I do not regret any of them. The good memories have stayed and are cherished, but as Sheryl Crow eloquently puts it: "the first cut is the deepest." I will always remember one of the very first instances of his destructive behavior and yes, it still hurts and affects me. Our relationship has altered my mindset extensively because I am very jaded about relationships and even dating now. It is hard for me to accept people and trust them any more. This day and age with social media and dating apps has certainly not helped either, but I am currently just desiring friends and family. They truly are what I have at the end of the day. They are my forever, unlike the forever promised by your apparently perfect, flawless SO.
Please don't get me wrong, I do believe in love. I see it between my grandparents, my freshmen year college roommate and her boyfriend, my cousin and her husband, and my best friends who are currently dating. It is out there, but I simply do not have any interest in finding it any time soon. I need to find me again and not be defined by who I am in a relationship with and if I am even in a relationship. I want people to see me and get to know me, not know me based on my relationship and how I act with my SO. I deserve to love myself again and figure out how to function on my own. I am about to exit the era of being a teenager, so this is the perfect time for it. I am proud of myself for finally doing what I knew I needed to do and that was to get out of a toxic relationship. If I can do it, so can you, yes YOU, if you feel you must. Thrive, don't just survive!
I can promise you that you are only surviving if you are experiencing anything like these examples below. These are not exhaustive, nor typical. I understood my ex's viewpoint when these instances occurred, but that still does not justify anything. Also, I simply want to share my own experiences with those who potentially feel trapped or helpless and want to stop the pain that they may be enduring.
PERSONAL EXPERIENCES OF ABOVE WARNING SIGNS
This was the worst of them all. I was not allowed to talk to my guy friends because my ex believed that they wanted to have sex with me and I was clearly cheating on him when what's-his-face said hello to me. I was not allowed to wear revealing clothing (dresses, yoga pants, shorts) in public without him because he did not want others to look at me longingly. I was not allowed to wear revealing clothing in school because, to paraphrase, I would look desirable to horny guys. I was not allowed to talk to his younger brother because I might cheat on him. I had to constantly text him and snap him pictures of me to let him know where I was and that I was not with any guys. He even tried to control my thoughts, brainwash me into believing everything he did, and told me all of my opinions were wrong. Ultimately, his insecurities were pushed onto me and he treated me very poorly.
This part hurt the worst. He used my emotions and feelings towards him to manipulate me and guilt trip me into doing things I really did not want to do. Also, he frequently mentioned that he would kill himself if I ever left him, or if he ever lost me. He knew I cared about him enough to know that I did not want that to happen to him, and I certainly did not want to be the reason he did. It was very unfair of him and not even close to being healthy.
This is similar to his controlling tendencies actually. He was constantly jealous of the time I spent with friends, family, and even my cat (R.I.P.), though those moments were far too short looking back. His jealousy of the male friends I had at the beginning of the relationship forced me to lose them and lose contact with them. I was forced to delete my Facebook as a result and was not allowed to have the Instagram account I so very much desired. If anybody liked my pictures or even commented, it was I that got chewed out for it. Jealousy is no joke. He obviously did not trust me and a healthy relationship is built on trust.
This was to a lesser extent, but still very serious. He constantly told me what to do, how to do it, and why my way was wrong. He even sometimes pushed me in various situations to do what he called prevent me from running into somebody or protect me. Like I said, this was more rare, but he certainly wanted to be the superior being in the relationship. I was made to feel inferior constantly, for my opinion or idea never mattered.
This was actually a bit terrifying, especially at the end. Every aspect of his life revolved around me and he made me feel as though I was the only reason he was living. He constantly had to talk to me and constantly called me when I was busy doing homework, my job, or just hanging out with family. He stopped talking to his friends and relied solely on me. After our breakup, he used every method of communication to contact me because I had my phone turned off for a while. My parents found out about our breakup via him, before I could even tell them. Needless to say, I was unhealthily his reason for being for a long time.
This hurt. A lot. I felt like his property practically all the time. I was "his girl" and he used the term "mine" a lot. He felt threatened when he thought that my friends were taking away from his time with me. He wanted to hang out with me all the time. He constantly "missed me" and told me so up to multiple times a day. If I did not want to hang out or couldn't, he would get very angry with me and accuse me of things I did not do and was not doing. He did not even want me to hang out with his family at all because it took away from our time together. This was also the case with my participation in Varsity cheerleading and clubs in high school. This greatly affected my family, as they were quite concerned about the excessive amounts of time I was hanging out with him. He wanted me all to himself and nobody else could have me ever, not even me apparently.
This was just incredibly unacceptable. The vulgar terms he has used to describe me for whatever reason are as follows: "f**king b**ch," "b**ch," "c**t," "whore," "slut," "crazy b**ch," "f**ker," etc. He cursed at me, not necessarily calling me names here, a lot as well. He threatened me by saying he would break-up with me if I did not do whatever he asked. He sometimes even called me these disgusting names while I was at school, in front of my friends and peers. Yelling was frequent. I was torn down with his words and I truly believed them for a while. I became very depressed as a result too and I was psychologically wrecked. Verbal abuse is never okay, even when one is joking around. People, especially loved ones, need to stop bullying people and destroying them like this.
I am still mad at myself for letting these things happen because I knew then and I most definitely know now that I did not deserve any of that. All I am asking is for you to be aware, be proactive, and be careful. You know what you need to do and what is best for you. Just do not let love blind you. And remember, girls do run the world, but don't let anybody, especially your SO, run your world. Do what makes you happy. Life is precious and you deserve everything and more it can offer. Independence is never a bad thing either.
So always remember...
"You have what it takes to be a victorious, independent, fearless woman." -- Tyra Banks
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